Musings of a Young Mother

I haven't blogged in a year...two...who's counting? Anyhow, for some reason I just feel compelled to write. It has been a tough day with my kiddos, and sometimes writing helps to clear my head and work through it all. I have always been the kind of person that says what I think (gets me into trouble A LOT) and I am very open about things. I do a lot of reflection in my life and have recently been reflecting on the last 3+ years of being a mother. Most people say things like, "Being a mother is the best thing that has happened to me." Or, "I just LOVE being a Mom." Etc., etc. I have spent the past 3 years wishing I felt more like that and feel so utterly guilty for not feeling like that. Sure, I love my kids. Do I enjoy being a Mom? Sometimes. Is it all roses and love and wonderful things? Hardly. So I have to wonder, am I the only one who feels like this, or are other Moms just being positive or hiding their true feelings. There is certainly a place for both. I am aware that I am often a negative person and have trouble seeing "the glass half full." Maybe we need to encourage one another more as mothers and help each other out. I have met some wonderful mothers and friends who have done that for me, and it has made a huge difference. I know that not everyone has that. Being a Mom can be so isolating. To back up, I feel like I have been in a state of grief since giving birth to Levi. A person has died. That person is me. Everything became different the day I became a Mom. My body wasn't (isn't) mine. It has stretch marks. It is flabby. I am slowly finding gray hairs. Eek. When I run or jump or do certain movements, I literally pee myself. I probably could go on and on listing things that are different. The point is, that person I was pre-motherhood is gone, and I miss that person oh so very much. I hate the tired, overweight, unmotivated person that I have become. I am ONLY TWENTY-SEVEN!! Where is the feeling of purpose that I am supposed to feel? Yes, in the midst of this grief my children do bring me joy. Yes, there is something miraculous about them. For some reason, I just can't get past the grief. Maybe I will never have the answers. Maybe I will always feel like this. I know that life is like this and that I need to come to acceptance of both the joys and the trials that my job as a mother brings. I think it will be a continuous struggle with me. :) Maybe some others out there feel this way? Maybe (I hope) someone can feel a little less a lone knowing that someone else struggles?